(#20 ISW) Men Struggle Too

To Be a Man - Dax ft. Darius Rucker

The Do Selfish Well Newsletter’s Introspection Song of the Week series is meant to aid your self-exploration by uniquely tying songs with thought-provoking topics that get you to think about yourself in new ways. Check out the full-length newsletters for more in-depth discussions on select topics.

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With it being Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to highlight the strong message held in the lyrics of this song. A lot of the songs I send are related to the larger message I then write about, but this song really is the message itself. If you don’t typically listen to the songs, listen to this one.

The general notion as long been that women are the vulnerable ones that need to be taken care of, while men are the strong ones that can take care of themselves and the women and the children. Men are seen as the ones who have it easy in life and don't face the obstacles women face. Much has been done in an effort to empower women, but the same can’t be said for taking some of the weight off men’s shoulders. Men’s issues are instead dismissed and the very real feelings they have in response to their struggles and challenges are trivialized to the point of being held in silence by their keepers.

Brené Brown, a leader in vulnerability research, tells a great story about realizing that her shame and vulnerability research should not be focused solely on women. A man and his wife and daughters were at one of Brené’s book signings. After the books were signed and the girls walked away, the man hung back and asked Brené what her research on shame and vulnerability said about men. Brené said she didn't study men and asked why he wanted to know.

The man pointed to his wife and daughters and replied that they would rather see him die atop his white horse than see him fall off. He said they don't want to see him vulnerable, and they're the hardest on him than anyone else, so he can't show vulnerability. What the man described is the island men get put on.

None of this is to say that men have it harder than women. It is to say that men and women each have unique standards, expectations, challenges, and struggles, and all deserve equal respect. A woman who can't sit with a man in fear and vulnerability has more work to do on herself just as a man does if he can’t do the same. We have to create space in society for men to be vulnerable just the same as women so that men do not have to suffer in silence.

Men don’t necessarily need women to help in creating that space, though smart women will. There are many other men out there willing to offer support if you can find the courage to put yourself in a position to be open to it. A great example of this is the community of men that MoveMENt is growing, which holds free monthly workouts that include small group discussions on mental health topics. If you or a man you know would be interested in attending, please reach out.

Share this with one other person if you can, maybe to ask a man in your life if they feel this way or simply to spread the message that men are not alone.