The Do Selfish Well Newsletter’s Introspection Song of the Week (ISW) series is meant to aid your self-exploration by uniquely tying songs with thought-provoking topics for you to think about yourself in new ways, and sometimes, to show you that you’re not alone. Check out the main articles for more in-depth discussions on select topics related to the Newsletter’s underlying philosophy.
The past is done. We can't change it. We can only change how we relate to it.
This simple truth is one that many of us struggle to embrace. It feels like our past defines us and we don’t want to be defined in that way. As a result, we ruminate over mistakes, kick ourselves for what we didn’t do, and sometimes even reject entire chapters of our lives as if doing so might somehow erase them from our story.
Despite how “unpretty” our past might be, it is not who we are—it does not define us. We can always choose who we want to be today based on what we’ve learned. In that sense, when we’re in the only point in time we can be—the present—our past is just information.
Our past, however, is undeniably part of what led us to become who we are today. That means if we reject parts of our past, we're rejecting all the parts of ourselves that emerged from those experiences. And if we're rejecting any part of ourselves, we don't truly love ourselves.
How do we accept and forgive ourselves for our past then if we hate it or really don’t like it?
We don't have to like our past or the person we used to be. That's not what acceptance or forgiveness mean. Acceptance simply means acknowledging what was, without resistance, so we can move forward with clarity. Forgiveness means releasing ourselves from the prison of resentment that our brains keep us in.
Letting Go of Our Resistance to Acceptance and Forgiveness
I suspect the resistance we may feel towards accepting our past and forgiving ourselves for it often takes at least one of two forms that sound like this:
Our lives would be better today if our past went differently, and
How can we accept and forgive what we did when what we did was so unacceptable and unforgivable
Let’s explore each of these further.
Our Lives Might be Different
It's natural to wonder what might have been. If we had just taken that chance, pursued that other career, or learned to understand our minds sooner, we might be in a different position today. It’s true. But we can often focus too narrowly on just what would be better. Perhaps our different lives would be better in some ways, but they might also be worse in others.
Consider that we might not find ourselves in the right place at the right time in eight months because our different life would require us to be somewhere else. We don’t know.
Consider that we might not have been prepared for that situation a few months back if we never experienced what we did seven years ago.
Consider what we have that we otherwise would not if our past was prettier. All the information our brains know that they couldn’t know any other way.
Generally, we wouldn't have met this person or taken that vacation or had those particular experiences that have added depth and texture to who we are.
If I hadn’t struggled so much in my teens and 20’s with who I was and hadn’t dealt with depression and anxiety in the way I have, then I wouldn’t have this newsletter that brings me purpose and fulfillment. There wouldn’t have been anything to write about.
By acknowledging the full picture of how our lives would be different, rather than just what would be better, we might find that we no longer think of our past as a stain that ruined some dream life we have in our minds.
We might then find that our resistance towards accepting the parts of ourselves and our lives that emerged from our past releases. We might find that we are more willing to forgive ourselves.
Condemning Ourselves Helps No One
It is difficult to accept and forgive actions or inactions that feel so unacceptable and unforgivable to us. They might have only affected us, or they could have affected another’s life negatively, or they may have even been criminal. It doesn’t matter. We must accept them and forgive ourselves regardless.
Consider a past in which we caused someone pain at some point. We might feel ashamed and think that we deserve to feel miserable for what we did. At some point, though, it helps no one to condemn ourselves to feeling ashamed and miserable forever.
Continually judging ourselves and refusing our own forgiveness means we'll just end up causing more pain, to both us and others, because of the pain we continue to live in. We’ll also deprive the world of the person we could be. The person we want to be. The person with a unique perspective born from what’ve we done and been through.
Instead, we can acknowledge what we did, learn from it deeply, and transform that knowledge into something constructive. This transformation doesn't erase what happened, but it gives it meaning beyond shame. We can become more compassionate, more aware of how our actions affect others, and more intentional about who we want to be.
For instance, we now know what it feels like to cause another pain and what led us there. The simple truth is that not everyone has that knowledge. We can use our awareness from this knowledge to guide our actions going forward. We can also relate to those who have had similar experiences and possibly be a beacon of wisdom for others who have not.
None of this knowledge excuses the pain we caused. It doesn't mean we're okay with it. It just means this knowledge is a part of us that only so many people have. When we stop judging our past by forgiving ourselves, all that is left is information we can use.
The bottom line is that if we feel ashamed and miserable about past actions or inactions, that means those actions or inactions are misaligned with who we want to be. Becoming that person, however, requires self-love, and that requires both accepting what we’ve done and treating it as an anomaly in our lives that deserves forgiveness.
Finding Peace with Our Story
I want it to be clear that the way of thinking I’ve described above isn't spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity. It’s seeing the whole picture.
It's recognizing that the people we are today—with all our strengths, limitations, insights, and capabilities—were formed through every experience we've had, including the painful ones. It’s accepting what is fact and can’t be changed, what information we have at our disposal to help ourselves going forward.
When we reject our past, we weaken our personal power. We split ourselves into fragments—the parts we approve of and the parts we don't. This internal division drains the energy we could be directing toward creating the life we want now.
By accepting our entire story—the beautiful chapters and the difficult ones—we reclaim our wholeness. We can appreciate what we have because of our past, including the wisdom, strength, and compassion that often emerge from our greatest challenges.
The past has shaped us, but it doesn't define us. It informs who we are, but it doesn't limit who we can become. By making peace with where we've been, we free ourselves to move forward with all of our power intact.
Take care of yourself,
Alex
'How can we accept and forgive what we did when what we did was so unacceptable and unforgivable?'
Ohh how I've struggled with coming to terms with my past. Complicated by being the family scapegoat, whose message has always been "your mistakes define you, AND are proof what we think about you is correct-that you really are worthless and deserve rejecting."
This set me up for rejecting those parts of my history where I perceived to have hurt others, and actually did cause others pain.
Funny thing is, as your powerful writing here elucidates this profoundly, the being disconnected from myself in the resistance to accepting the pain that I had experienced, just perpetuated it, and fed into the harm I then caused. In my case, because I believed my family's narrative about me.
So you're writing today has helped to solidify what I have been slowly coming to realize: that the trauma that was perpetrated upon me, and the resultant resisting of accepting my pain, and the subsequent pain I caused others, was a set up from the get-go.
And no, this isn't excusing the pain that I caused. It's just understanding the why of how it happened.
Which helps, I suppose that one day my goal is to forgive myself without the need or compulsion to understand all of it first.
Thank you for publishing this.
This has been my journey. Understanding myself, accepting, forgiving and ultimately learning to love all parts of myself. How freeing.