#10 The Incomplete Thought Process Pervading Our Society
And how we can complete it
I pass this billboard just about every day.
I never knew the details of the story before writing this article, but it was easy to surmise that Nate was a 15-year-old who committed suicide at least in part due to the bullying he was subjected to. Undeniably a tragic story no matter what the details are.
What captured my attention about this billboard enough to spark the following discussion though is the proclamations to “stop bullying” and to “demand accountability” at schools.
The thought process behind these proclamations is one that pervades so many issues in our society—blame someone else for the harm caused and get rid of the danger going forward. A thought process that, in my opinion, is incomplete because it does not consider the power we can have over our own mental health.
The Thought Process
After realizing I wanted to write this article, I went to the website on the billboard and learned that Nate experienced cyberbullying from his basketball teammates and classmates. According to the website, he gave a report documenting the cyberbullying to his school’s administration, but the school did nothing in response.
The non-profit Buckets Over BullyingTM initiative was started with a focus on preventing what happened to Nate. It describes its mission as stopping cyberbullying of children and teens through education, lawmaking, and legal action.
The education aspect seemed promising. When I went to that section on the website, however, I saw the mission was to educate about how dangerous social media can be and about safety measures that can be taken. Important, but still a part of the incomplete thought process.
The website’s lawmaking and legal section is telling in regard to the mindset behind the initiative—that we need to make the world safer for our vulnerable kids. It says, preceding a list of free legal services:
“Laws and protections against bullying vary from state-to-state and often are unenforced or ineffective. A lack of accountability measures for bullies and schools, inconsistent enforcement of laws or having no laws in place can leave children vulnerable to cyberbullying. Many parents have a false sense of security, believing their children are protected from bullying and cyberbullying while at school. This is often not the case. Taking legal action can help ensure that your child is kept safe from the harms of bullying and cyberbullying. Find links to legal support below.”
Considering the non-profit’s mission statement along with its educational and legal goals, my takeaway for the general thought process behind the initiative is:
There is this danger that can lead to tragedy
We need to increase awareness of this danger
Increased awareness will lead to a demand for change
Legal consequences will force that change to happen
The world will be safer for our kids
That thought process is understandable. It is, in fact, scary that our kids may be harmed by dangers out of our control, and we want to protect them. One way to do that is to change our external environment to lessen the chances of that danger happening.
Where the thought process is limited and incomplete, however, is that it avoids reality. The simple truth is that cyberbullying isn’t going anywhere unless we end all digital communications. That’s just the reality of it.
We can demand all that we want out of schools and social media platforms. They can vow to take measures that “make sure this never happens again.” Some of the measures may help, even if they negatively affect more people than they help, but it’s a fairytale to think cyberbullying can be stopped or that our kids can be safe from being targeted by cyberbullying.
It is also a powerless feeling to think that we’re exclusively reliant on other people, schools, companies, or organizations to protect our kids from cyberbullying. Read the above quote from the Buckets Over BullyingTM website’s legal section again. That description gives off such a disempowering victim mindset for both kids and parents.
When we accept that we can’t get rid of cyberbullying, then completing the thought process means thinking about how we can lessen the effectiveness of cyberbullying. Lessening the chances of it occurring is great, but when it happens, how can we lessen the damage that it can cause our kids.
We can do that by empowering our kids with stronger emotional skills. Essentially, if we can’t get rid of all the swords, then let’s give our kids shields.
If they can process what they’re subjected to in a healthy way. If they’ve been taught a foundation from which they can stand firmly in their self-worth despite not truly knowing who they are at that age. Then cyberbullying will affect them less if they happen to be a target.
I note that, for the purposes of this discussion, I’m assuming that Nate wasn’t taught these emotional skills based on the state of our society today. It is possible that he was, or that he was after the cyberbullying began, but my sense is that he unfortunately was not.
Let’s dive in deeper while continuing to look through the lens of cyberbullying.
The Cyberbullies
A quick internet search reveals that there are several reasons why a person may bully another. They might have emotional trauma, feel insecure, been bullied, have learned the behavior, have poor social skills, and/or lack empathy.
A common thread I see through many of these reasons is unprocessed emotional pain that the bully lacks healthy coping skills to handle. Without those skills, the bully is left wanting others to feel that same pain so that they are not the only one. Then, add on the anonymity of online activity and the pain they feel comfortable causing amplifies in the cyberbullying realm.
With that in mind, say that schools and social media platforms have some digital tools or tracking software that can ensure that no cyberbullying actions ever take place or that it is stopped quickly when it does. Say they’re able to punish every cyberbully. Seems like that’s the non-profit’s ultimate dream.
That doesn't make the cyberbully’s pain disappear.
What would we expect them to do with it then? They don't have the emotional skills to process it in a healthy way if their outlet was to bully other people. They'll have to find another way to let it out, and it’s not going to be charitable work.
Is the solution to just toss the cyberbullies aside, suspend them, expel them, reject them unless they fall in line on their own? Essentially throw them figuratively or literally in jail. These kids, who were once innocent like the bullied, are just worth less?
We can demand that our schools teach emotional skills to our kids, which might help some of the cyberbullies process their pain. The school staff might be trained to show cyberbullies compassion, rather than just reprimand them. From this, some cyberbullies might come to compassion for their own pain, better outlets for it, and empathy for others.
It might have an impact on these kids in pain.
But schools can only do so much, especially if a kid is too closed off to listen. Anything the school teaches might also go right out the window when the kid gets home and there is no one to model the behavior, or worse, someone modeling the behavior the kid shows at school.
We cannot get rid of cyberbullying for good. It will still happen.
The Cyberbullied
I haven't been bullied by another, but my inner voice sure bullied me for years. Whether we have or not, I think we can all agree that it's an unpleasant experience that we don't want to endure or see someone else endure.
It can be damaging to the cyberbullied. It can affect how they think of themselves. It can deteriorate their mental state.
It can have those results.
But it doesn't have to.
The most reliable defense against cyberbullying is not external to us—it is internal. Our sense of self-worth, emotional intelligence, coping skills, acceptance of our shortcomings, and love for ourselves determines how cyberbullying affects us. If we are lacking in these areas, it’ll have a lot more damaging effect.
If our kids have instead been introduced to the basics of human emotional behavior, they may have a better understanding of the people and world around them. They may understand that other people behave for many reasons that do not stem from them. They may be able to separate their view of themselves from others’ view of them.
They may be able to see the importance of building a strong foundation with themselves and begin doing so. They may judge themselves less and feel more comfortable reaching out for help. They may even feel compassion towards a cyberbully.
When our kids begin to build these defenses, a cyberbully may make their life difficult, but their mental well-being is less impacted by cyberbullying because they have some skills to process it in a healthy way.
We can't always intervene when cyberbullying happens. We can't even always be aware that it is happening period. We can, however, do our best to teach our kids how to build their defenses against it in hopes that, if they become a target, they won’t be affected as much.
Just like for cyberbullies, our schools can teach our kids some of these emotional skills.
But just like for cyberbullies, it won't have as much of an impact if there is no one at home to model the beliefs and behavior that go with healthy emotional skills.
The Parents
As current parents, someday parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, we have the power to help our kids, nieces, nephews, and cousins build their defenses. The important questions are can we, and if so, do we?
Do we model healthy emotional behavior for others?
If not, can we? Are we mentally healthy ourselves? Do we have emotional skills that we implement in our lives to support our mental health? Do we know what emotional skills are? Are we aware of other skills or tools that might not help us, but do help others? Could we teach any of these skills?
If we do think we have skills to teach, where did we learn them? From knowledgeable people, reputable courses, books, podcasts, or other sources? From therapy sessions? From an Instagram personality? Our teaching is only as good as the information we are teaching.
Are we willing to take accountability for this part of being a parent? For teaching and preparing our kids for life’s mental rollercoaster? For helping them understand what it means to be a human being?
If we think kids don’t listen or talk to their parents anyway, or at least ours don’t with us, these thoughts might be a signal that we haven’t created a space where they feel comfortable sharing. We probably haven’t because we didn’t have the skills to.
Can we accept that we don’t have those skills without judging ourselves? Are we willing to learn those skills so we can create that space? What of our own lives and struggles have we shared unprompted with our kids? If not much, have we considered that may be a reason why they haven’t shared or will not share theirs with us?
If your thing is that you don’t give a shit about health and just want to live your life, then carry on. But if we’re going to tell our kids to eat vegetables, then we need to also teach them to talk nicely to themselves. If we’re going to send them out to play sports, then we need to also give them names for the emotions they may feel while playing.
If we're going to raise emotionally healthy humans that are prepared for life’s challenges, such as being cyberbullied, we need to be emotionally healthy humans ourselves. It's that simple, and it's that hard. Are we up for it?
Completing the Thought Process
The next time tragedy strikes, or fear arises about a dangerous threat, let’s not stop at thinking about how we can get rid of it and prevent it from ever happening again. Let’s continue the thought process by considering whether mental health plays a role. Let’s consider whether we can empower ourselves, our kids, or others from within.
Am I saying that our kids will become impervious to cyberbullying with stronger emotional skills, that it’s a different way of guaranteeing that they’ll be safe?
No.
Am I saying that Nate’s story would have certainly turned out differently had he been taught these skills before the cyberbullying began?
No.
But his story might have, and it’s not even a part of a non-profit’s mission to combat cyberbullying. It’s not even a part of the mainstream conversation.
We need to make it part of the conversation. We need to complete our thought process for cyberbullying and whatever else by considering the power we have over our mental health. We are our own best defense against mental threats.
Take Care of Yourself,
Alex
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Great article and I couldn’t agree more. I think, as a parent, you want your children to be able to have this “shield” for as long as possible. So why not start before it’s too late? Unless suicide rates due to bullying have drastically decreased over time in the last 25 years (I have a feeling they haven’t simply due to the internet), there should definitely be some re-evaluation as to how all parties go about combating it as opposed to blindly saying they’re just going to end it.
As someone who was bullied a LOT growing up (the non-cyber kind, since the internet didn’t exist for most of my childhood), I couldn’t agree more. I was mainly told to try to ignore the bullies, and not let it bother me. In other words, deny the fact that I have any emotions about it. As a result, the bullying contributed to me/us having DID (dissociative identity disorder), and we’re still struggling, at the age of 48, with learning how to understand and properly cope with our emotions. If I had been taught those skills when I was a child, I might not have had so many struggles with mental health in my/our life.
Doug