(#22 ISW) Why Jumping Straight to Trying to Help Isn't the Best Response
Be Happy - Sam James
The Do Selfish Well Newsletter’s Introspection Song of the Week series is meant to aid your self-exploration by uniquely tying songs with thought-provoking topics that get you to think about yourself in new ways. Check out the full-length newsletters for more in-depth discussions on select topics.
When someone we interact with is feeling sad or another so-called negative emotion, the first instinct for many people is to help them by trying to make them feel better. A completely reasonable response, but it can often not be the best response. Let's unpack this reaction with our new framing of how we think of ourselves, but first, listen to the message in this song to set the stage.
*lyrics are pretty well heard and they don’t exist in print since this is a cover :-)
If your instinct is to make them feel better when you can't feel their emotions, that means them feeling this way makes you feel uncomfortable, and you want them to feel better so you no longer feel uncomfortable. Maybe you don't know what to say, maybe it pains you that they feel this way, whatever the reason, your instinct to make them feel better is so you can feel better. But does this kind of selfishness further your goal of helping them?
The other person might not want to be cheered up. They might just want you to listen to them, or even just be with them. Or they might want to be alone. They might value the experience they are having for what it is despite it being unenjoyable. If you try to fix the problem they didn't ask you to fix, they might close off and keep you at arms’ length because they realize you can't give them what they want or need.
Here's how to gain the skills to be selfish better in a situation like this:
When your uncomfortable emotions arise, let yourself feel them, don't push them away. If you feel sad, depressed, or hurt, then acknowledge to yourself that you feel that way, why you feel that way, and what it means, and feel sad, depressed or hurt. When you see your uncomfortable emotions as something you can sit with and be okay, you'll notice less of a compulsion to get rid of them. That allows you to sit in your own uncomfortable feelings while listening to the other person.
Discover an appreciation for the immense value your uncomfortable emotions can provide you. Think back on tough periods in your life and what you now know as a result of them. Not everyone knows that. It is all a part of what has made you who you are. When you appreciate what you've gained from your uncomfortable emotions, you can recognize that the other person might gain something from their experience.
From the place you get to with the first two bullet points, you can practice your communication skills. Rather than jumping straight to trying to fix, you can tell the other person that you recognize what they're going through is difficult for them and ask them whether they'd like you to offer your advice or point of view. Or you can simply ask them if there is any way you could help. This way, you are more likely to achieve your goal of wanting to help them if doing so is possible.
Take care of yourself,
Alex