(#37 ISW) What it Means to Be a Real Man
Real Man – Dax
The Do Selfish Well Newsletter’s Introspection Song of the Week (ISW) series is meant to aid your self-exploration by uniquely tying songs with thought-provoking topics for you to think about yourself in new ways, and sometimes, to show you that you’re not alone. Check out the main articles for more in-depth discussions on select topics related to the Newsletter’s underlying philosophy.
In honor of Men’s Mental Health Month, this article is one half of a partnership with of Heart Mind Fusion to touch on topics related to men’s mental health. I encourage you to read John’s thoughts as well in You See the Man. You Don’t See the Burden. after finishing here. He makes a lot of great thought-provoking points that I don’t touch on and has numbers to back it up.
Many men are living their lives trying to become someone else's definition of what a man should be. And it's making them miserable.
Not only does the definition vary among different people, different genders, and different sexual orientations, it is also currently going through a transition in response to the evolution of women’s roles in society.
All this change, conflict, and uncertainty leave men with a core identity that resembles Play-Doh® at the same time society expects them to be a rock.
Confusing to say the least, and difficult to navigate on one’s own. It would help if men could talk about all of this to compassionate ears, but men’s feelings and emotional struggles are often dismissed. Rocks don’t have emotions.
I know this confusion and resulting frustration intimately. I spent years trying to decode what women wanted from me while also trying to be one of the guys, adjusting my personality like I was following some invisible instruction manual.
It felt like being myself wasn’t enough and if I could just find the answer for how to be, I’d have the key to life. Yet, the harder I tried to be 'right,' the further I drifted from myself—and ironically, the less attractive I became to anyone, including me.
Turns out I was looking in all the wrong places for that answer and I suspect men in general are looking in those same wrong places.
How Women Define a Man is Unreliable
I’ll note I’m speaking through the lens of a heterosexual man in this section, but surely at least some similar dynamics and similar takeaways exist for LGBTQ+ people as well.
It’s natural that men will look towards women to tell them what it means to be a man.
They want to attract women.
They want to provide what women want.
They want to be what women desire.
If you’re selling a product to customers, you want to give the customers what they want so that as many customers will purchase the product as possible. But just as not all customers are the same, not all women are the same.
How some women define a man may be quite different from how other women define a man. How they were raised, where they grew up, where they live now, and their unique blend of life experiences can all play a role in the characteristics a woman desires.
Even within a subset of women that think similarly, given our society’s current lack of emphasis on emotional intelligence, how much of what women say they want is actually what they want, and as Dax puts it in his song, is it even real?
Among many factors, women are generally attracted to a man by how the man looks and how the man makes them feel.
If a woman lacks emotional intelligence.
If a woman is controlled by her emotions.
If a woman does not communicate her emotions well.
Then how can you expect her to give a reliable answer on how to define a man?
Just like a lot of men, there are many women that do lack emotional intelligence. It’s just today’s world, even if today’s women generally allow themselves to feel a wider range of emotions than today’s men.
In this sense, women might want to feel a certain way with a man but not know what makes them feel that way. They just want men to make them feel it.
A woman might alternatively misunderstand what makes her feel that certain way.
She might think she needs a man that’s six feet tall to feel the way she likes, when really, it’s feeling safe that she’s after. Her brain just stores an outdated belief that a six-foot man can keep her safer.
She might say she wants a confident man and then be unable to distinguish between bravado and true confidence grown from self-acceptance and self-love.
Women might also idealize how they want to feel but not recognize that what must happen for them to feel that way is not possible or sustainable. Dax’s lyrics paint a picture of this scenario beautifully.
When men ask what women want from them, the above is the foundation from which women try to answer. What results is an answer that very well may be incorrect or a fantasy because women might still be trying to figure it out themselves.
Men try anyway to play the part—possibly losing themselves in the process—only to feel like the answer gets changed on them. Because it does. It’s a fluid answer.
This isn't women's fault—they're doing their best with their own emotional landscape. But it means men need to stop waiting for women to hand them the blueprint for who they should be.
How Men Define a Man Can Also Be Unreliable
Looking to other men for what it means to be a man can feel like a better place to look—and sometimes it is. Other men face the same pressures, the same stigmas, the same struggles. They can relate in ways women might not and provide potentially helpful insight born from shared experience.
But it isn't necessarily a reliable answer either.
Just like women, there are many different opinions among men about what makes a man. The alpha male enthusiast has a vastly different definition than the sensitive guy. The traditional breadwinner sees masculinity differently than the stay-at-home dad. The stoic man sees it differently than the expressive man.
And here's the thing—men suffer from the same emotional intelligence deficits that make women's definitions unreliable.
Some might argue that men would define masculinity based on logic rather than emotion, making their answers more objective. But that only seems that way because men are, on average, so much more separated from their emotions.
A man who's never examined why he believes "real men don't cry" isn't giving you a logical answer—he's giving you an emotional reaction he doesn't recognize as emotional. His definition comes from fear, shame, or a need for acceptance that he's buried so deep he mistakes it for rational thought.
When men define masculinity through rigid rules about strength, stoicism, or success, they're often projecting their own insecurities and unexamined beliefs onto you. They're trying to convince themselves as much as they're trying to convince you.
The men who are most vocal about what "real men" do or don't do are frequently the ones struggling most with their own sense of masculine identity. Their definitions become defenses against their own perceived inadequacies.
So while other men might understand your experience better than women do, they still might be giving you answers filtered through their own unresolved relationship with masculinity.
Where Does This Leave Men?
Some, feeling cornered and threatened, bark and show their teeth when the traditional view of masculinity is jeopardized.
Others become golden retrievers following the orders of their women owners, hoping for a treat.
But many are confused and frustrated—that’s for sure.
They want to be themselves, but they want the respect of other men, so they try to fit that mold, but they want to attract and be with a woman, so they want to be what that woman wants, but it may often feel like that woman doesn’t seem to want what she says she wants, so men don’t know what to be.
They’re told what they can’t be. They’re told what they do wrong. Possibly a lot. And they don’t know even know what being “themselves” is anymore.
That’s what happens when men look to others to tell them what their core identity is as a man. That’s what happens when they rely upon the unreliable.
What did I find is the more reliable place to look? Self-actualization.
To be a real man is knowing yourself well enough to be your true self, respecting that true self, loving that true self, and being able to guide your life in ways you can control, while also happening to be a man.
To be a real woman is knowing yourself well enough to be your true self, respecting that true self, loving that true self, and being able to guide your life in ways you can control, while also happening to be a woman. It’s the same answer.
Being your true self might mean behaving in traditionally masculine ways as a man or traditionally feminine ways as a woman, but it might not. Either way, the answer is within you, not someone else.
Men can improve their emotional skills because it gives them power over their own lives.
Men can share their emotions and feelings and stand up for themselves if they’re dismissed.
Men can choose what they want to do to earn money, rather than feeling boxed in to make the most money possible at a job they hate to support their family—while their wives may have decided that they no longer want to work to be with the kids.
Men can embrace their strengths to become the practical best versions of themselves because they want that for themselves.
The path to being a man isn't through meeting someone else's expectations—it's through having the courage to discover and become yourself. It's through learning that your worth doesn't depend on external validation but on your own self-acceptance and growth.
This isn't easy work. Society will continue to bombard you with conflicting messages about who you should be. But when you stop looking outside yourself for the answer and start building your identity from within, something powerful happens.
You become magnetic to the right people—male or female—not because you're playing a role, but because you're genuinely yourself.
And that version of you—the real you—is the only version worth being.
Take care of yourself,
Alex
Now head over to
’s article You See the Man. You Don’t See the Burden. in Heart Mind Fusion for more men’s mental health month! He makes a lot of great thought-provoking points that I didn’t touch on and has numbers to back it up. Find the article HERE.Join us in the subscriber chat on Tuesdays for the Mental Health Marketplace! Contribute or discover impactful mental health resources that might just help you or someone else take that next step.
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I really liked this article. I know my feminist female perspective well, but it was very welcome to broaden my horizon with John's and your knowledge and feelings. I was aware that many men carry fear and uncertainty but I was not aware of the extent of the underlying PAIN. I am writing an essay about feminism that I will post on Substack. Thankfully John is willing to give me feedback on that one. Maybe it needs some addition. – I am blessed with several male friends with whom I can be completely myself and they can too. With them I can talk about EVERYTHING, just as I can with my female friends. In complete trust. – I believe that the issues between genders can never be resolved BETWEEN genders, it happens within ourselves. You said it so beautifully in your article, towards the end of it. If I may paraphrase it a bit: "The path to being a Human isn't through meeting someone else's expectations – it's through having the courage to discover and become yourself. /---/ You become magnetic to the right people /---/ because you're genuinely yourself. And that version of you – the real you – is the only version worth being." Yes, Alex, I can attest to that. It works, I live like that. Nowadays. I can now meet people in freedom because I don't NEED them to validate me. Frees them from that job, which is mine to begin with! What all this boils down to is also that the MALE-ROLE and the FEMALE-ROLE as roles go lose their stranglehold. We are HUMANS (SOULS even!) first and foremost, and everyone must be free to shape their expression as they feel like, without being judged. Otherwise we ALL lose. The burdens and the pressure that so many live with are so unnecessary! Thank you for doing this empowering work! Maria
I really enjoyed this, Alex.
You captured the confusion many men feel when trying to meet shifting expectations while staying true to themselves.
I especially liked the part about men losing themselves in the process of trying to be “right,” and the insight that definitions of masculinity often come from unexamined emotional reactions. The Play-Doh image was powerful too.
Thanks for pushing this conversation forward.