Say It and Set It Down
The Freedom of Self-Expression Without the Need to Influence
In my last article, I wrote about why some people can’t hear what you’re actually saying—how their brain’s fear of self-reflection collapses everything into black and white to avoid the complexity your perspective introduces.
I ended with a question: why does it matter so much to you that they hear it?
I’ve been sitting with that one myself. And what I found wasn’t comfortable.
When someone dismissed what I said—shut the conversation down or cherry-picked the one part where they were right—it didn’t just feel like a failed discussion. It felt like something about me had been rejected. And that stung in a way that had nothing to do with the topic.
That’s when I realized I wasn’t just expressing myself. I was needing something back.
There’s a distinction I’ve written about before between wanting and needing. When we want something, it’s a desire—a driving force, but one we can live without. When we believe we need something, it becomes all-encompassing. Survival mode. And when that need is something we can’t control—like another person’s response—that’s not a powerful place to be.
I was needing someone else to agree with what I thought and felt to feel validated. That’s a lot of power to give someone who can’t even reflect on their own inner world.
The shift for me has been learning to separate two things I used to blend together—self-expression and influence.
Self-expression is mine. It’s the act of saying what I think, sharing how I see things. It doesn’t require anyone else’s participation. The value lives in the expression itself—in the courage it takes to speak honestly. That part is entirely within my control.
Influence is different. Influence requires the other person’s openness, their capacity to receive what I’m offering and do something with it internally. As I explored in my last article, many people don’t have the emotional skills for that.
When I blended the two, every conversation became a test. Did it land? Did they change? And when they didn’t, I felt like I had failed. But my self-expression didn’t fail. It was the goal attached to it that failed—a goal that was never mine to achieve.
I still say what I think. I haven’t gone quiet. But I’ve learned to notice the moment my brain shifts from expression to expectation. The tightening in my chest when the other person isn’t tracking with me. The urge to explain it one more time, differently, as if I just haven’t found the magic combination of words yet.
That’s my signal to let go.
I say what I want to say. I enjoy the act of expressing myself honestly. And then I set it down—like a stone on the table. What the other person does with it is their work, not mine. Unless they show me they’re capable of reciprocating an emotionally aware discussion—unless they can sit with discomfort and respond with curiosity rather than armor—I release any goal of influencing them.
Now, your turn.
Think about the last conversation you replayed in your head, searching for what you should have said differently. Were you frustrated because you couldn’t speak your truth? Or because you spoke it and didn’t get the reaction your brain wanted?
Notice which one was really driving the conversation. The expression or the expectation. Because expression is always within your power. The expectation—making someone else internalize what you’ve said—was never yours to control.
Let yourself speak. And then let it go. Not because the conversation doesn’t matter. But because your peace matters more than their agreement.
I hope to read your story of that last conversation in the comments.
Take Care of Yourself,
Alex
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This is a really helpful framework. I've found that as I've developed more internal self-esteem, I've naturally developed the ability to stand on my expression without expectation of influence. It makes so much sense how that desire to influence blends into that tethered needy place. Thank you for making this distinction!
Hey Alex,
I like your point of view. Self expression is indeed very important to our self fulfillment. I think there is even wider view to it. It's not only want vs. need. There are two things:
1. Belonging. We r human beings. We will harbor a need! to belong all our lives. Belonging makes us feel good. It helps us define ourselves. It keeps us safe evolutionary wise.
+I bet, that it's also the manner of the reaction. if I were to disagree with you, but did it in a loving, compassionate way, would it really bother you this much?
2. When someone listens to us, really listens, we feel seen. It validates our existence. It makes our life meaningful. De bovuare wrote about it extensively. We define ourselves against others (I'm like her, I'm different. There must be a her - just wrote about it myself!).
Well I read your article, and liked your writing. I thought of sharing my thoughts. Sorry it got to be so long... That's the occupational risk dealing with writers.