This is a really helpful framework. I've found that as I've developed more internal self-esteem, I've naturally developed the ability to stand on my expression without expectation of influence. It makes so much sense how that desire to influence blends into that tethered needy place. Thank you for making this distinction!
I like your point of view. Self expression is indeed very important to our self fulfillment. I think there is even wider view to it. It's not only want vs. need. There are two things:
1. Belonging. We r human beings. We will harbor a need! to belong all our lives. Belonging makes us feel good. It helps us define ourselves. It keeps us safe evolutionary wise.
+I bet, that it's also the manner of the reaction. if I were to disagree with you, but did it in a loving, compassionate way, would it really bother you this much?
2. When someone listens to us, really listens, we feel seen. It validates our existence. It makes our life meaningful. De bovuare wrote about it extensively. We define ourselves against others (I'm like her, I'm different. There must be a her - just wrote about it myself!).
Well I read your article, and liked your writing. I thought of sharing my thoughts. Sorry it got to be so long... That's the occupational risk dealing with writers.
Hey Sigalit, thanks for offering your perspective, and it is a valid one. All of what you said is true, and don’t worry about length—I like depth.
This article was written from the perspective of my previous article You Can’t Make Them See It (linked at the beginning), which explored how there are many people who simply do not have the skills to truly hear what you are saying because it would require a self-awareness they do not have and self-reflection they are afraid to do.
We might know we are in a conversation with someone like that before it begins or we might recognize it in the conversation when they demonstrate black-and-white thinking, are dismissive of our thoughts, or shut down the conversation if it gets too deep.
When we encounter those people, why stress ourselves out trying to get a certain change or reaction out of them when it is not possible to do so? Maybe it feels like a need. We can recognize it’s not a need, enjoy expressing ourselves and move on. They can’t meet our need for belonging and they can’t make us feel seen. We can find other people who are capable of an open, curious conversation to meet our need for belonging and who can really make us feel seen. If a person disagrees in a loving, compassionate way, then they are probably one of these other people.
Glad you were able to reflect and distinguish between self-expression & influence. This letter is a reminder to us all to always think about our feelings and reactions to situations by knowing where they're coming from, the intention behind them, and why we should only be moved by what's within our control.
This is a really helpful framework. I've found that as I've developed more internal self-esteem, I've naturally developed the ability to stand on my expression without expectation of influence. It makes so much sense how that desire to influence blends into that tethered needy place. Thank you for making this distinction!
Congrats on developing more internal self-esteem and that ability. Not easy work. Glad this piece resonated!
Hey Alex,
I like your point of view. Self expression is indeed very important to our self fulfillment. I think there is even wider view to it. It's not only want vs. need. There are two things:
1. Belonging. We r human beings. We will harbor a need! to belong all our lives. Belonging makes us feel good. It helps us define ourselves. It keeps us safe evolutionary wise.
+I bet, that it's also the manner of the reaction. if I were to disagree with you, but did it in a loving, compassionate way, would it really bother you this much?
2. When someone listens to us, really listens, we feel seen. It validates our existence. It makes our life meaningful. De bovuare wrote about it extensively. We define ourselves against others (I'm like her, I'm different. There must be a her - just wrote about it myself!).
Well I read your article, and liked your writing. I thought of sharing my thoughts. Sorry it got to be so long... That's the occupational risk dealing with writers.
Hey Sigalit, thanks for offering your perspective, and it is a valid one. All of what you said is true, and don’t worry about length—I like depth.
This article was written from the perspective of my previous article You Can’t Make Them See It (linked at the beginning), which explored how there are many people who simply do not have the skills to truly hear what you are saying because it would require a self-awareness they do not have and self-reflection they are afraid to do.
We might know we are in a conversation with someone like that before it begins or we might recognize it in the conversation when they demonstrate black-and-white thinking, are dismissive of our thoughts, or shut down the conversation if it gets too deep.
When we encounter those people, why stress ourselves out trying to get a certain change or reaction out of them when it is not possible to do so? Maybe it feels like a need. We can recognize it’s not a need, enjoy expressing ourselves and move on. They can’t meet our need for belonging and they can’t make us feel seen. We can find other people who are capable of an open, curious conversation to meet our need for belonging and who can really make us feel seen. If a person disagrees in a loving, compassionate way, then they are probably one of these other people.
Does that clarify what I was getting at?
Glad you were able to reflect and distinguish between self-expression & influence. This letter is a reminder to us all to always think about our feelings and reactions to situations by knowing where they're coming from, the intention behind them, and why we should only be moved by what's within our control.